Uncircumhigh: Confessions From Women Who Dig Their Ds With Foreskin
Take the dick and get over it. It feels good, just doesn’t look good…
Two Friday evenings ago over some damn good wine, a friend of mine shared a story about how she finally got down to unbuckling her dream man’s, greedily at that. But when she finally tugged off those boxers, she had to choke back horror when his dick popped to attention donning a headscarf. She froze up and made up some sh-t about getting her period. Sigh. Deep in her pretty little soul, she almost believed this thing would lurch at her face, swallowing her alive. Which sounds like an ill time to me, but I digress.
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Glad to know the Olympics makes everyone else horny too. I mean honestly, what else comes to mind when you see strong bodies, power moves and a round of applause? A U.K. based Durex company recently distributed these pretty little hats to competing Olympians. Friendly reminder that these super humans, not only train, but sex, really, really, really good from what my imagination reports. Unfortunately though, I don’t know anyone personally that has been Michael Phelped or has mounted Serena and has lived to brag about it. However, we can assume and learn from the performances of these amazing athletes a few things that could help our own personal performances…
1. Always, Always, Always, Thank Your Trainer
There’s a humble thing that these Olympians always do after they stick a mount or crip walk in victory–they run up to their trainers and rush them. Thanking them for rearing them into to the winner athletes they’ve clearly become. Besides a slew of regrets, I think we might owe our own exes the same courtesy. All those hours of sweaty practice took investment. Even if you didn’t get the full Yeezy re-upholstery job, you got something to be thankful for. So be a champ and give thanks.
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The existence of multiple orgasms makes me believe that God is one heaven of a woman. However, why’s it gotta be such a road trip to find this heaven on earth? Sit tight sonshines, while perusing through The Frisky, I spotted an interesting product called pantyO (not made by God herself unfortunately, but by sigh, humans) that claims it can take our kegel exercises to the next level with the help of a one inch secret weapon.
Here’s the official product description:
The pantyO Kegel Exercise Extension is what makes pantyO unique!! The pantyO Kegel Exercise Extension (approximately one inch in height) is sewn into the crotch of the panty. When wearing the panty, the extension is inserted vaginally and provides a “focus” point for you while performing your Kegel exercises while squeezing on the extension.
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For the first time since her cowgirl hat and belly chain days, Beyonce’s opted back to braids and has given that lace front fortune of hers a well-deserved break. No, not exactly the cornrows she was squatting in the Say My Name vid, Bey’s joined the box braid bandwagon many women, including sister Solo have been rocking as of late. Unfortunately for Bey and many other women trying to celebrate the 90′s in peace (geesh), this look’s pretty disagreeable.
“Box braids are fine if you’re a 12-year-old or a 60-year-old going on a Tom Joyner cruise, b. Just get your hair done. Braids speak lazy and they don’t look good. Bey is a beauty. She looks like her fans now… homely and what not. If she wants to show us something new… she should show us her real hair, a new cut. I don’t like braids on Solange either, but I kinda get it. She’s boho, she’s away from the spotlight and has in-between hair I’m sure and isn’t that cute so… Women will catch a fit if a dude has cornrows. The same should apply to them.” —Chris Law, 29
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3 Secrets From A Bush Loving Man #TeamHair
Most guys aren’t going down unless she keeps the grass cut. Other men, or this man in particular, has mad love for the lawn and yawns in the face of a clean mow job. Yup, we found him ladies –a bush loving man.
For those of you that are sitting behind your comp screens “ewing” the hell out this guy, understand that the need to shave is a daunting task for many women. And if your on top off your Flinstone vitamin hustle, hair can grow back pretty quick –too damn quick for some of you… So yes, a man that doesn’t mind frolicking in the great pastures of nature from time to time should be respected! Simply because for many women he’s a breath of fresh air.
And for those of you that love to shave, but still found slight liberation in the title alone (I see you fam!) you can thank us now too. Go on…
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NEW BLOG: You Wanna Wha?! 5 His & Her Sex Moves That *Require* Prior Consent
During sex there are these magic moments, the kinds so blissfully euphoric you’re forced to close your eyes. And then there are the other moments, the kinds that snap your your eyes wide open in horrifying bewilderment. Yes children, today we will be discussing the latter — those WTF rabbit out the hat sex moves you wish your partner would’ve cued you on beforehand. Now don’t get me wrong, even a levitating virgin could tell you that sex at its best is spontaneous. However, this shouldn’t be taken too far out of context: some moves require a mandatory, “Hey babe, I was thinkin…” disclaimer. And if by chance you’re a little confuzzled about what moves may possibly alarm (and disgruntle) your flesh buddy, take a gander below. I’ve put my blood, sweat, and personal annoyances into this little countdown for all your edutaining pleasure. Enjoy.
5.) Lap Dances
Ladies, pay attention. A little while back, my lovely lady friend Chazeen did some gorilla research on the perfect way to perform a lap dance. If you were to ask me I would’ve sworn on a stack of King magazines that a little wobbly, wobbly, clap, clap, twerk wouldv’e done the trick. But evidently not. #ShrugLife. And moreover, it shouldn’t be a surprise! So pay no mind to those successfully seamless rountines in the videos, it’s only entertainment! If you want to perform a real live lap dance, make it a production. Forewarn your lover. Provide a chair. Hell, throw a bandana over their eyes get artsy with it. Whatever you do, just make sure the your audience is well prepared for the show.
4.) Filthy Name Calling
Some of us (and you know who you are) have taken the term “BFF” out of context. Yup, that clumsy lust has gotten you into quite the compromised position: you accidently love up a homie and now are stuck wallowing in the awkward aftermath of your libido collision. Do you see why that Chazeen girl stresses the importance of a Back-Up Guy? Yup, you guessed it, to keep you from doing the Lumbada (among other forbidden dances) with best friends and regrettable rebounds. Like a good pal, he or she is always there for you at your most vulnerable. Unfortunately, always also happens to constitute interims between qualifiable back-up guys, the tender hour of a post-break-up period, and some times even in the dead of night when wolves and loins howl at the moon. Yes, like State Farm, a true friend is always there.
And depending on the magnitude of desperation, depravation, or devastation you were in, you may very well rationalize a quite logical reason to jump ship and take a quick leap out of the friendzone: Caring is sharing, things won’t get weird, it’s just “sex,” it’s okay because I’m doing it with someone I care about and know well, or other comparable malarkey. But alas, anyone who has ever slapped more than a hi-5 against a good friend has learned that sex can stain a pristine friendship, and make things at the very least, undeniably different between you two.